The Allman Times
The realest of reel news
4 Asses!! Covid19 virus causing new asses to grow
March 15th 2020
By Curtis Allman
"They just grew in out of nowhere!" Says Gary Walkerton 36, as he stands in line at Walmart with 12 jumbo packages of 4 ply."
Chaos and panic at department stores is the new normal where toilet paper is flying off the shelves due to The Covid 19 pandemic.
"It's a serious issue, I never expected to be this deep in shit, I got five kids and they may all grow more asses and that could be up to 25 more asses". Gary's arithmetic was on point but I wondered if he was including his own asses. Before I could ask him, he was beating a would be thief with a gardening implement.
"Us normal assed people need to stay fresh too, this hoarding nonsense is ridiculous, I got some Purell for 50 a G by the way."
After a short meeting behind the dumpsters out back, I returned to the chaos inside where Shelly Masterson, 28, managed to grab the last jumbo roll of 3 ply toilet paper, "I normally get 4 ply toilet paper, but it's all gone everywhere... I can't find it anywhere, so I have to use this 3-ply but if my extra asses is come in I may be in a lot of trouble. I hope this doesn't affect my cats asses too."
John, 21 employee
"I used my employee discount to spend all my money on canned foods non-perishable, guns, ammunition and clean water but now I have no money left to get toilet paper I'm worried that if I grow extra asses, I won't be able to trade food for toilet paper, I don't even know why I'm here, the manager has been in the bathroom for 5 hours..."
Jim Smith 72 has managed to grab all of the last 4 ply,
"I shot a man in aisle 2, someone should probably give him medical attention. I've been using toilet paper to heat my house for 45 years I'm not changing nothing for nobody" He then pointed his rifle at me. This reporter is lucky for having cat like reflexes. Jim pulled the trigger, I dodged, and the shot unleashed a giant cage of yoga balls and I managed to escape in the Rube Goldbergian chaos.
I wanted to learn more about the science perspective so I contacted a scientist. Dr. Ivan Wankledank is virologist who has been studying covid19 since it was being developed in his laboratory in China. "They let us do whatever we want here!" After promising him vinyl of a rare 1972 Grateful Dead concert, Wankledank gave me the scoop,
"We never expected multiple asses to be a symptom of this virus", he continues, "but since we combined the genes of the large assed monkey and an octopus, I guess it kind of makes sense." He continues, "the virus was developed to enhance brain power but we may have miscalculated the section of the DNA which differentiates the ass from the face or... head region."
After indicating he needed go to the market to top up his cooking bat supply, Dr. Wankledank honked his nose twice and hung up.
Curtis Allman is a writer in the GTA and knows Kleenex is a perfectly acceptable substitute. Self proclaimed contender for smartest human ever. When he is not involved in charities, he is accepting to sponsorship and advertising and writing opportunities, especially for money, bitcoin and gold.